Garden State

Probably my all time favorite movie.
Its so amazing...i just watched it twice in a row :)

Blind

How can you be so discontent with who you are, when who you are is all i want?

Merry Christmas.

I volunteer serving lunch to homeless and disadvantaged people.
Maybe we should try giving to someone who actually needs it for a change.
It doesn't take much to give something to someone who has nothing. Just your company, kind wishes and the ability to make them feel valued. No one should have to be alone on Christmas.

But you've got tradition to live up to and keep going?
Fuck that! We made it our tradition.

Christmas is about giving, and in my mind, gifts don't come in the form of a present. The feeling of compassion and knowing you've actually made someones day will always be 1000000 times better than getting some shiny new toy wrapped in colorful paper.

Materialism and consumerism, open your eyes. This isn't what this season should be.

Intensity in ten cities.

I've loved Chiodos for so long! Haha I don't think i'll ever get over them. Craig Owens is such a babe.

I'm not the one that you want, I'll always let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
And you can say that 'Oh, I'm just feeling sorry for myself'






If that's how you feel, then what's there to do?
I'll keep this feeling in my heart
but when you look in my eyes, you will know the truth.

I went for a walk

to collect my thoughts and I came across this place, where the sun seemed almost horizontal to the water and turned the lake red with reflection.
Everything was beautiful.
But all i felt was ugly.

Gahh

Paul Higgins from Studio 52 asked Juliet and I to be a part of his 'new project'.
We'd be professionally recorded and put on a cd that goes out to all the top producers in Australia, they'd make us a music video and we'd be on a documentary about the program on the abc.
Gahh sounds fucking amazing. So honored just to be asked to do it!
I've never valued materialism, but sometimes it would be nice to have the money :(

I'm probably biased...

Because she's my sister
But i watched Juliet sing at Albury Carols by Candlelight tonight and it was fucking amazing!
Definitely the best i've ever heard her and she's got heaps of throat problems! haha
Mum was having a little teary because Juliet dedicated her a song and ahh it was just so good :)
I did Juliet's hair and she looked babe as! haha I do hate her a lot of the time but the truth is, tonight, i was incredibly proud...
One day she'll do something amazing.

Hmm but tonight did provoke a lot of thought about the lack of fatherly influence in our lives and how much he is really missing out on. I really don't understand him sometimes.

Horizons

I'm missing a lot of things.
I don't feel like me at the moment...
I keep trying to convince myself of theories of why i feel like this
and ways to get out of this exhausting mindset.
But in reality i know there's only one thing that can do it..
and i don't see it on any of my horizons any time soon.

Values.

Veganism recognizes no expendable or superfluous species that humans are free to hurt or destroy. Species of life-forms need not justify their existence, nor plead for protection from extinction on the grounds of their potential usefulness as food or medicine for humans.

Melbourne

I've been in Melbourne since Monday and it's actually been so fun.
My sister is definitely one of the best people in the world haha
I spent four days pretty much just chilling with Milli and her babe as, lesbian friends (one is actually an ex-vogue model) hahaha
And they're the best people.
Played at a gay night at The Noise Bar on Wednesday night and a primary school today... definitely our strangest gigs yet but so funny!

Hmm but the highlight of my trip was when i noticed on the tram to Milli's that across from the Melbourne Cemetery there's a sign that says 'Melbourne, the world's most livable city' hahaha
I actually laughed out loud at the irony of this..and got a lot of strange looks from tram people. But it did make my day :)
Ahh i can't wait to move there..only one more year!

Polaroid

Starting January, i'm buying ten shots of film for my polaroid each month.
So by the end of next year i'll have 120 amazing photos for an album :)
Can't wait
But it's so fucking expensive! haha

I'm going to Melbourne again tomorrow morning
Can't wait! I love early morning and late night bus/train rides :)
Melbourne is the best place, always makes me feel so much better about everything.

I can hear my train comin'
It's a lonesome and distant cry
I can hear my train comin'
Now I'm runnin' for my life
What makes a man walk away from his mind?
I think I know
I think I might know

I love this girl more than anything. She's the best person you will ever meet, just beautiful in every way possible! Thought she deserved a mention :)...even though we're incredibly bad at taking photos together.

Perception

I only wish i was half as strong as i make out to be..
Then maybe this would all be ok.
It'll all work out eventually, time heals all wounds. But i just miss you so much already.

Shattered.

All hope i thought i had, i know is false.

You know i would dive into the darkest and deepest waters to help you surface.

There's no lie in your fire

No curse on your lips,
No warmth in your hands,
But no doubt in my mind.

Oh how i wish...

I am missing.

I dont understand what's happened
But over the last few days i've just lost it.
Everything is getting to me and it seems that everything that could go wrong, is.
I'm getting away for the weekend. Getting the train to Melbourne tomorrow morning
Because i can't stand being here anymore.
Right in the middle of exams probably isn't the best idea but i think it's what i need to do, just clear my head and stop stressing for a couple of days.
I'm not myself. I am missing.

:)

Things are amazing.
Juliet and i played in Melbourne at the Telstra Dome last night. (It wasn't in the stadium, in another room there, just before you get too excited)
It was amazing it had all the big screens and shit :D Was loving life haha
and we won an award for best singer songwriter duo and were nominated for best act with female vocals.
Very very happy.
And i met sick people there too!
Ahh im a lucky girl.

Animal Rights ads

Are going on Australian tv :)
I'm a happy lady

Flight of the dove

It seems your mind has molded into a blank, static screen
It seems your mind has molded into what they want it to be
But what I've learnt along the way is, it isn't what it seems.

No Perfection, in reality, its only in your dreams.

Its weird.

When you said forever i really really thought you meant it.
But it seems forever doesn't last.

I thought maybe this was temporary but i'm starting to think that maybe this is the way it will always be. I hate this.

Changing Tides

Even the people i never thought would, are changing.
I know i've changed and i cant figure out if it's for better or worse
But i think it's what i've needed for a while now.
I'm finally seeing things through clear eyes
and its really helped to get my mind back on track.
My goals seem graspable and i think i've got that motivation back that i was lacking for a while.
There are so many things i hate about these changes..but sometimes it just had to happen and all i can do is take it and go with it and get as many positives out of it as i can.

What do you think?

I wanted to try writing in a different style. This is what came out.
What do you think? I'm not sure on it yet.

The rivers of gold run through this mansion of guilt
Heavy heads and blank stares, all this power makes you hungry
In a dog eats man world, the dogs stay on top
chewing up any that put a cross on their path
And some die in ditches while others live in fog
The time is ticking so move like the hands of the clock
Your eyes are closed but your hands are ready to grab whats exposed
Your eyes are closed but your hands are ready to grab whats exposed
The doves will fly but your irons will keep you held down
So you drown in your bath of dollar bills.
Flip them coins and watch them dance, dance for your eyeless face
Your guts full of their unripe flesh, your table makes an easy grave.


I liked mouth instead of gut for the last line but i thought it sounded kind of sexual and grossed me out haha
Feedback?

I miss this.

More than anything else.
I look back and try to find a time when i was completely, 100% happy. I think this photo is about that time.
We were so carefree. All this superficial bullshit never came into anything. We weren't involved in any particular scene, we were just us. And we were happy being us.
Every moment i used to spend with you was spent laughing and it truly was the best time of my life.
I want this back so much. Everyone, everything has changed. I miss you.

Ugly birds in a beautiful cage

We're all so ungrateful.
We're nothing more than monsters created to destroy.

Trust

I know where my loyalties lie..do you?

A picture holds a thousand words.

When you stare at a painting for long enough, you begin to notice a lot more than just the image.
You start to see the little smudges where the artist has tried to cover up mistakes,
The tiny cracks made by the sun eroding away the paint,
You see that it isn't perfectly symmetrical, as first thought and, eventually, that picture that you saw in it all turns into merely a canvas of blended lines.
But amidst all the imperfections, some still manage to see that original image in exactly the same way. They look past the actual image and read the words behind the picture.
A picture, no matter how old and faded it is, will always hold that same meaning, read those same words.
Though some, although they may be beautiful, never held a meaning. No words were ever printed behind the image. So when the image fades it will leave behind a blank canvas. No words, no meaning. There never was, and there never will be.

Just an empty hole.

When people realise they cant love, or cant be loved in return,
They hate.
Because hate is the only emotion strong enough to fill the place that love should be.
And they hate the ones they should love.
And they hate the ones that can love.
And they hate the ones that can show love but choose not to.
But most of all they hate themselves.
And they always will. They'll keep hating, keep loathing.
Until one day they wake up and finally see that hate never filled that place.
But it's too late. They've hated the world away. You'll end up alone.

A far cry from a mind.

You think unlike anyone, yet you think that is normal.
You see things that noone else does, but expect them to notice them too.
You cry over the things that are missed, rather than those actually said.
You judge people as soon as you meet them, but believe you accept everyone.
I dont know where things went wrong, where they really fell apart.
All i know is that this is not right, it isn't how you are meant to be.
And you're slipping further and further away from that person you once were.
The worst part is, you cant even see it.

Control

It is completely lost, then slowly gained, only to find that control is over-rated and i find myself more lost than ever.
Control over my own self only means finding ambition and seeking more. Convincing myself that i know where i'm going, that i'm on track.
But this control over my own thoughts, actions and feelings proves itself dangerous.
I aim too high and hurt others in hope that i'll keep this control. While in my head, away from their eyes and ears, i secretly hope and pray that i'll lose it. Hoping someone else will once again lift this power from my shoulders and let my mind run free.
Let me lose myself, lose my sense of wanting, wishing for more and to once again be content.
To see past the things that, with that control, i would try to change, try to fix.

I know..

I dont give that girl enough recognition.
She is just all that is beautiful.
The most loyal, amazing friend i've ever had.
She has been there whenever i've asked
and sometimes it took me to open up my eyes a little wider to see her.
I've underestimated and under-appreciated this friendship way too many times.
Maddi Crothers, you amaze me in every way possible. I love everything about you.
Thank you for just being the greatest person
I love you!!!

Thank you

I can't thank you enough.
You've proved to me that some things in life are just completely worth it.
You've made me realise that sometimes when people say they'll always be there for you, they actually mean it.
Thank you is all i can say and it isn't nearly enough.
Tonight you opened my eyes more than anyone has before.
You give me hope.
What you did tonight showed me what is most important,
I have found someone i can trust, someone who will be there through it all,
Someone i can count on.
Trust and reliance and both things i find hard in life, and anyone who knows something about my past would know that.
But i am now clear of any doubts.
You're amazing.

They say...

In times of need people find each other,
Maybe thats how it happened.
This is too much to comprehend. I am amazed.

Take a deep breath

The systems that used to keep me alive
are all failing on me
My blood stops pumping and heart stops beating
but somehow i'm still breathing.

Interwoven Threads

On a journey to find contentment
and I may have just reached the end.
I've picked at every loose thread
and pulled each individually until I unwound.
And somehow, while falling apart, I found myself.

Birthday

It was amazing
My friends are the greatest people ever.
I could never thank them enough.
Just little things today really showed me how much some people care.
Everything that was once elusive, is finally clear to me.
I know the ones I can count on.
I love you all.

The sparrow.

Just as the sparrow does, i'll fly away.
Soon i'll be off-road from these mire streets
I want to be lost in the sincerity of new personas
and taste purity in the air
This is not where i want to be
This place wreaks of despair
Just as the sparrow does, i'll find my way out.

Fuck

I just don't understand.
I don't want it to be how it used to be.
I'm so confused.
I feel terrible..but I don't feel guilty.
I feel i've done no wrong and I hope one day you realise you've over-reacted
Because this is just fucked.
Fuck life. Fuck you're mind. Fuck my own stupid, selfish mistakes.

Why?

Why lie? Why fabricate? Why pretend?
Even if they don't, I see right through you.

Sometimes

We get along real good...
On very VERY rare occasions hahah
We're the most unattractive siblings in the world.

Control

I have regained control over everything.
My life is amazing.
It would take a major fall to bring me down now.
This is what i've been waiting, hoping for.

Everything has slipped into place and is finally all going my way.

I read the most interesting thing today

It was about a thing they called the Nocebo effect.
This is like the opposite to the placebo effect.
When someone tells you something that is untrue, but because you believe it, your body reacts to it.
It really proved to me that everything is mind over matter. With good thoughts and a clear mind, i can do whatever i want.
It went back to the early 1900's first when a man was apparently 'cursed' by a witch doctor. He got deathly ill and was bed bound for months having terrible pain and really high temperatures. Everyone thought he was going to die. Then this doctor came along to try to help him, he didnt believe in the curse so he told the guy that he had apparently found the witch doctor and made him tell him the cure for the curse.
He then told the man that the witch had put lizards inside of him and they were mostly gone but one was left, which was making him sick but he could easily remove it with surgery.
So the doctor did a pretend surgery on him and pulled a lizard out of his sleeve and showed the sick man. And said that he was cured. The man made a full recovery.
I thought this was amazing already but mm being in the early 1900's i was like mmm...probs a lie..then i read this other one.
It was only a few years ago, a man was diagnosed with cancer. He was given a few months to live and died within that time. But then when they were doing the autopsy they found hed been diagnosed incorrectly and he only had a small tumor that couldnt have killed him in any way and there was nothing else wrong with him. So he died of cancer that he didnt actually have....crazy
Really made me think about the way people think of themselves and how it affects them. You're own mind really is the most powerful tool you have.
Just thought i'd share.

Memories

Ahhh so many are just swirling through my mind,
Things I haven't thought of for years.
I've never felt the feeling I felt tonight, sitting at that place, so full of history.
Where hopes were made but dreams forgotten.
My mind, my heart racing.
I dont think i'll sleep tonight.

Revelations

I can see clearer.

Charon

Ahh trust is lost so easily.
Its taken me this long to finally realise who you are.
You're doing nothing but playing charades hoping different crowds will accept you for who you are when you're really just moulding yourself to fit in with their beliefs instead of speaking your own.
I can't trust you.

Those coins on your eyes wont help you cross this lake, Cause death is about dignity and you're a fucking fake. Too gutless for even Charon to take you aboard. His fare entitles more than anything you could afford. So your stranded, a lake between you and death but a heart between you and home. This is the true meaning of feeling alone.

Jabberwocky

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Ahh one of my all time favorite poems
I remember memorising it when i was like 7 haha.
Lewis Carroll is amazing.

Come away come away with me he cried
Look at your reflection in the sea
Are we what we choose to be?

Tomorrow will find us far away from here
and all that we hold dear
Will be far behind.

Luck?

Recently absolutely everything has just gone right for me.
Yes, the ongoing problems in my life still remain.
But even they are being overriden with good news.

Three gigs just this weekend
Everything is falling into place.
I've found myself.

Only with hope..

Can we make it in this hate filled world.

Never Never Land

Second star to the right and straight on til morning.
That's where i'm headed.

The beautiful idea of staying young forever....

Nudes

People need to get some fucking self respect.

u gona get ur kit off gracey lmaoo
wat?
u heard
im not taking my clothes off for you.
whooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
joken n. e ways love u aint worth my time
if im not getting naked im not worth your time?
yea u got that right
Fuck up
sleazy arsehole
go get some fucking respect
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
got loads love
bbut not for stuck up sluts like u
ama fuck up u tha one who looks like u had a face lift
im a slut because i wont take my clothes off?
na that aint whata said u simple minded mare. u look like a slut but yu not u are actually stuck up ta fuck
i look like a slut? have you ever seen me?
i call it self respect.
i seen ur picture u mug
wow...how sluty of me
are u fucken blind a sumet a even said u aint a slut a can tell by tha way u talk . all i said is that u look like a slut on ya pic so sort ya shit out
how is that sluty in the slightest?
r.u mad
i said u looked slutty
but u aint u talk to snobby and act to stuck up to be a slutt
how is it being stuck up saying that i dont want to get nude?
i dont talk snobby...i talk english instead of dero.
shape the fuck up and get some respect you disgust me.

and i blocked him...ahhh humans never cease to amaze me.

Every wave climbs at first. It takes a while and builds up as much momentum as possible.

Then finally, when its at its highest point, it crashes and rips itself back under the wave behind it taking some poor person back out to sea with it. The cycle restarts. This is life.

The bad with the good

No good comes without bad
I try to think of the best way for everything to turn out,
the way for my whole life to just work out.
But in every scenario i think of, someone gets hurt along the way.
Every decision comes with consequences, I'm just trying to get through it
hurting as little people as possible.
There's no such thing as perfect situations, only perfect feelings, perfect states of mind.

Direction

And I knew exactly where I was going, only to find that place was near impossible to find.
My mind, my compass, directionless.

Tattoos

I'm the biggest loser i know hahahahaha

Father's Day

The first year it hasn't hurt so much.

Thankyou.

Dreams are obsolete

All I need is my reality now.
My mind needs to lull and let my body continue.
Because I'm very content with the way things are going.
Nothing can hinder this feeling, I'm happy.

Bringing up old memories

Some things make me feel physically sick.

Justice?

Caelum

I feel as though i'm in a daze
The winds change so fast.

Silver Lining

The thing that's kept me going
Brightened up every little thing inside of me
Created new feelings, new emotions.
In everything that's going wrong,
I've found my silver lining
Everything is going to be ok.

My dad called today

Every conversation we've had for about a year has been exactly the same.
He calls after a few months of not talking.
He asks if i have a boyfriend.
I say I'm a lesbian
Then there's a pause and he awkwardly laughs, not knowing whether or not I'm joking.
I don't say anything.
He then goes on to ask me whats my mobile number because he's been trying and trying to contact me.
I say I've had the same phone for a year..I'm surprised you still don''t know it after the amount of times I've given it to you. Then ask why he doesn't just try the home phone.
He laughs and asks whats been happening.
I say not much you?
He says not much
and we both make up an excuse to leave.
After any conversation i get this really weird feeling.
Its almost like the feeling you get when someone close to you dies.

I dont understand

You watch everything fall around me
and somehow you look past it.
I'm not sure how,
But you've made me see everything that's happening in a different light.
There's still hundreds of thoughts running through my head
confusing, confounding me.
But somehow these thoughts are controlled.
Maybe this double-edged sword can be blunted.

I keep promising

myself that i'm going to stop hurting.
That i'll dedicate my whole self to making other people feel as happy as possible.
Regardless of how it makes me feel.
But i'm terrible at it.
I'm a bad person
and my selfishness gets in the way.
I do things to make me happy once in a while..
and they end up hurting the ones i love..
which in turn makes me unhappy.
I need to sort shit out.

My Battle

Its an uphill battle
Me against the tide
But finally i see some progress
Though a long way off, the shore's in sight.

Arcane Eyes

You be the sky and i'll be the sea
At the horizon we'll finally meet
And lovers will sit and fall with the sight
Of the sun setting in your arcane eyes

I keep dreaming

The same dream.
I'm standing at the edge of the ocean and there's a huge storm with lightning and thunder
and waves crashing everywhere around me.
And I'm just standing there, in the middle of this tumult
and i feel calm. I'm at peace.
I cant work out if this is symbolising something, like the way my life is going right now,
me being undisturbed by everything going on around me.
Or if its simply just from leaving my bedroom window open when its windy outside.

I sometimes wonder where the living goes when it stops.

This place you call hell wont come after i die
Its here right now while im living my life
In my feelings and thoughts and the people i find
Heaven and hell is merely in my mind

Just a little poemy thing i wrote when i was bored and in a mood haha


And your name still drifts like smoke through the air
Transparent, but we're all still aware...........

And finally

I'm starting to feel again.

Storms

Perfect thinking weather.
I knew it was coming.

To my beautiful besty

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the weekend i'm coming over with a vegan cake.
I love you so much hope you had an awesome day :)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

This boy

Makes good chats :)
"you think about the way of the world instead of just living in it"
Very good company.
Thanks for being 'lovely' haha

Changes

Everyone is constantly changing.
Noone will ever stay the same forever.
So why does it hurt so much when some people do?
Sometimes my memories are better than my reality.

Priorities

Friends and Family

Music

School

Work

Relationships

Its at the bottom of my list yet it still seems to come up so frequently.
My mind isn't meant for relationships.

Magnolia

Every year, when the Magnolias all finally bloom,
A huge storm comes and blows them all away.
And they're just blooming now so i'm awaiting my huge storm :)

Nothing's the same without you

I miss you besty :(
Get better.
I want your cuddles and your loveliness
and i hate it when you're sick.

mm..

It is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. ...

We, as humans, do many things that seem to mean the world when we're doing them, but looking back, you eventually realise it was all meaningless.
People work and work for goals that they never wanted to achieve
They'll do almost anything because they are in love and want to make the love work, only to find when they finally have it, they were really in love with the process and the result is merely boring.
Humans are the worst kind of creatures.

I wish

I had some pair of glasses that i could just put on and it would change the way i see the world, so i could really see from someone else's perspective.
I wonder what kind of person i would be, the way i'm seen from another's eyes.
Just an entertaining thought.

Alone

Some people i'm just so close to.
But right now i feel like they're all so far away.
Being alone while i'm surrounded is a funny feeling

Saying goodbye...

Goodbyes are the worst..even worse when you know its for forever.
I already miss my Reggie :(
Having a best friend for 7 years then knowing their fate, in the end, was in you're hands is the worst feeling you can ever have.
I got to call the shots, a life of pain or death.
How can life mean so much when it can be ended so quickly?

Without words, without any major action, in the end just creating some kind of annoyance
and somehow this dog made me happier than anyone else can.
I don't want to sleep alone
I realise it was his time but i love him and i miss cuddling him to sleep.

Familiar Thoughts

Thinking of the things i never thought i would again.
These recurring dreams and dangerous ideas constantly haunt my mind
and i'm sick of playing games with myself.
I need time to concentrate right now but my mind is wandering elsewhere.
Someone help me figure myself out I cant do it alone.

Mum

This week Juliet's away on camp so i have the whole week with just mum and i.
So far so good but i'm really hoping things don't turn shit.
We've been listening to heaps of Leonard Cohen..he's amazing.
I like to see her happy.

Nothing to write

My mind is empty. I hate this feeling.

So this morning

I woke up and rolled over
and lying beside me was my lyrics book, open, with a pen next to it haha
Written on the page was this:
"And the ones that I loved the most are the ones that let me go
So I've become desensitized to new feelings, thoughts and views
Everything becomes old when its new.
And dare i say that these things that we once thought beautiful,
Were frauds all along."
It doesn't make any sense at all.
But i write strange things when i wake up in the middle of the night.

I don't remember writing it but i thought I'd share.

Last Thursday

I got told that i'm a beautiful song writer.
Probably the best compliment i've ever gotten.
Fuck 'O you're so pretty'
I'd much rather have people appreciate my words than how i look.

Comeback

Slowly regaining my respect...
You're finally making a comeback.

True Love

True love lasts forever?
But nothing last forever
So our love cannot be true
Or forever just doesn't last.

Wrote that ages ago but only now does it really have full meaning.
I've realised that every relationship I've been brought up to see as being right, as being true, hasn't worked.
Marriage seems pointless from my experiences and everything considered 'love' around me, doesn't last.
My parents are divorced, and so are their parents. And in a lot of 'working' marriages i know of, the people are both so unfaithful. It's all slowly losing meaning.
This concept of true love is foreign to me.

Slipping Away

It's weird that you can be such good friends with someone.. and so quickly it can all just slip away
For no reason at all.
I hate this. I miss our stupid jokes and long chats. I miss going to gigs and having sleepovers. I miss you. I want this friendship to last.

Stress

Gahh everyone needs to chill out and stop stressing.
People seem to worry about things that don't affect them in any way at all
and stress about things when there are alternatives and they don't need to.
It seems so stupid to me.
If you're already stressing why try to take more on?
You're making yourself sick.

Alex

I love your abusive ways.
Please never hate me i'd be a very scared lady.

Drugs.

If you won't admit the consequences then why are you using them?
I'm sick of ignorant, uneducated fuckheads trying to justify their actions with lies.
They just believe what they want to be true.

Sick of being sick

12 pills a day i can't think straight.

:(

Finally home.
I hate hospitals...they're so depressing. I think they make me more sick than better.
I spent about 2 and a half days in there and by today i was just dying to go home.
But when you're sick like that it really shows you who really cares.
I have amazing friends.
I wasn't meant to have my phone in hospital but i snuck it in under my covers anyway haha and the amount of messages i had just telling me to get better made me feel so good :)
It makes you feel so much better just knowing that people are thinking and caring about you.

Alex Rindfleish, you're the best friend I've ever had. The first person to come and visit me and i know if you could have you would have been with me all night reading me picture books.

I'm so lucky to have you. Thank you so much. I love you.

Brand New

I realise people are constantly searching for new things.
People are overestimated just because they are new in others lives.
The things that were once important to them slowly seem to decay away until everything is replaced with new ideas, new people and new states of mind.
Everyone seems to be afraid of settling with the things they have.
They constantly have to mix things up taking things from new horizons to keep them entertained and content.
We all eventually become old news.

My shitty day

Today was just shitty. :(
I got a tooth pulled out yesterday so i woke up with blood all over my pillow
and i react really badly to anaesthetic so i felt like crap.
Mum made me go to school still because apparently I've missed too much already.
She then went on to tell me she might have to get my dog put down today.
I started the day with double methods.
Did shit as on my test.
Bludged my way through the day and then had to play netball because my team was already missing subs.
Played and got home.
Dallas came over to get me to go get the tattoo gun so i could get my grindy toes and the guy that has it wasn't home :(
So lots and lots of bad luck.
Just nothing worked
Hmph.
I'm a whinger.

Is it time that we set sail?

People are so set on changing
Why can't things stay as they are now?
I'm quite content.

Wednesday

Hmmm im thinking wednesday
definetly getting GRIND FLESH tattooed on the bottom of my toes....
i love her a lot
will probs get it on the top of my toes after deb
then we have to be friends forever (or until it rubs off)
just so i dont feel like a fool
she'll never get away!

:(

How about for once i just be friends with a guy without anyone thinking its anything more than that.

I don't know why I even bother

To try to be friends with you
You just throw it all back in my face.
I try to be nice and all i get is dishonesty and disappointment.
Why cant you just understand?
I dont want you to end up like the rest of them.

Dear World,

What went wrong?

Work

I worked 9-6 today... again 9-1 tomorrow and 9-5s both days next weekend. With school on top of it all...this sucks and i still somehow never have money...

This man.

Its been a miserable kind of day, you could tell just looking at the sky that all the happiness wouldn't last.
Somehow he makes everything feel a little better.

FUCK

Why does shit always happen to the nicest people possible?
I just want you to be ok :(
This kind of stuff never happens to the people that deserve it!
And its so shit when such an amazing person ends up getting hurt like that.
I just want to be able to be there for you.

I think i'll die young.

Patience

Its something i seem to be getting good at.
Waiting around for people has become my forte.

I just cried..

Its the first time since January.
I feel like shit.
Everyone takes everything for granted.

A hundred chances

I'm not sure if its immaturity, ignorance, stupidity or you're just an out-right fuckhead but you really don't know what you have.
You've had so many chances to make this work and still you're an absolute ass to her. She deserves the world
And I really dont think you deserve anything anymore.
So much respect lost.
This is the angriest i've been in a very long time

We've Been Misinformed...

I've always been told what a just country Australia is, about its amazing human rights laws and the ability to put our rights above everything else. But i was reading and i've realised that i've been greatly misinformed.

Recently Australia has voted against a resolution to make the office of the UN High Commissioner for Human Rights better in which 52 other countries voted in favor of. Us and the US being the only ones to oppose.
Said no to a resolution to put more work into framing a right to food, which we were the only UN country to oppose.
Opposed a resolution to formulate a right to development. Which only Australia and 2 other countries said no to.
Abstained from a vote to support the realization of economic rights in all countries which would help increase the standard of living in developing countries.
And we were the only country to vote against a resolution expressing concern about the impact of globalisation and the way human rights are being denied around the world.

It amazes me that such a well off country can be opposing votes of this sort. Our country is slowly getting worse and worse and our morals that seemed to used to have been so strong are no longer visible. While this world is supposed to be growing in ideas and values it seems to be slowly slipping even further away.

Void of all passion

..sometimes i wish i could be

Childhood

I was thinking about my childhood..the way everything seemed so easy
Whenever i look back i see this same image of Milli and i sitting in our old backyard blowing the seeds from dandelions.
Despite everything that went on in those years we found happiness in some really small things.
I guess thats why we're so close now
So in going to see her i thought up a one liner about these dandelions haha

They ment everything to us, but nothing to the wind, and it carried them to places that we've never been.

I was having a big think...

About the way our society views different people.
I saw a disabled couple down the street the other day and the glances they got were some of the worst i've seen ever. It seemed stupid that some people seem to think they cant love like we do, just because of some kind of disability.
I decided to write some stuff down. Just some thoughts...maybe a song later

The wisest of minds trapped in a body without the ability to create the things he feels.
Lost potential due to a lost society
Our views are his downfall
The art of love is the ability to look past what the rest of the world sees.
See not faces, but minds.

It annoys me that people that have such potential to be great, will never be because of some physical disadvantage. And some able-bodied people just constantly run their mouths with total shit because they can.

Life

It's all just too delicate
Pull a string and it'll all come undone

mmm peace

Lying in bed drinking tea
Reading poetry
And listening to acoustic music and the rain on my roof...
Amazing
I wish every night was like this one
Ever-increasing happiness
As close to content as i'll ever be.

There's this girl

Alex Rindfleish,
you are my best friend
the last couple of years have been the best in my life because of how close we've become
You can make me feel happy, no matter the situation and i could trust you with my life.
You really are such an amazing person and you dont deserve the shit some people put you through.
Lately i've felt us drifting apart a little...and it kills me
Its not drifting apart emotionally or psychologically because i still love you just as much as always
Just physically...we need to hang out more again
I want more of the nights where we used to laugh until we cried and we'd d&m for hours.
I miss you.

mmm

I seem to be moving further and further away from some of the ones i used to be closest to.
I now find myself noticing more and more things that had never occurred to me before and I often feel as though some don't value my friendship nearly as much as i do, theirs.
It hurts.

Love?

WINTER

I love the cold
Not for the walking to school every morning with numb toes and and red fingers
or working in the reserves freezing so much that i can hardly move.
But for the walks in the park where i can watch my own breath and just think of all the things that come to mind
and the amount of warmth you can find with another's body
This chill in the air has, more then anything, provoked so much thought

Yet another rough patch

Things arent good at all for me at the moment.
I just hate it that its all starting to get to me
Blocking out the world and the shit happening around me is getting harder.
And as the year is going on..im getting more and more pressure put on me
in almost every aspect of my life.
I want to know who i am and where i want to be so i can start working towards a goal,
Instead of just fighting off what gets thrown at me every day.
I need new inspiration, a new reason to want to get through the day,
Because right now, im really lacking motives.

Happiness

Yet another example of the amount of ups and downs i have in my life
I think i've found what i was looking for now.
I feel right again
And although things are still falling around me..im content.
I feel a kind of happiness i havent felt for a while
And im loving this feeling.
I dont know whats ahead of me..
But i feel like its definetly worth waiting for.

Imperfections

I have billions...and its all i seem to notice lately.

I've realised that once you lose something perfect

Nothing is good enough anymore.

Life

So it always seems to be either on a massive up or a massive down..
Right now its up :) and im really feeling good.
I've had time to myself to think about the things that are really important
and i really am happy with what i have.
So im going to stop complaining
Life is good.

Retreat

Sometimes we just have to retreat from our lives to get things back on track again.
Nothing will ever be perfect.
But im lucky for what I have.
Things are good.

Cognizance

It seems it takes something bad to happen,
A major fall,
For me to realise what i really have.
There is no point me sooking and whinging about what i dont have...or what i do and dont want anymore.
My life is so much better than that of so many others.
And i should appreciate it more.
Life is short.
And it really takes a tragedy to bring me to that realization.
So im going to try harder not to go whining about my problems
Life is good
And il try to start acting like i believe it.

Expectations

They say I'm a child with an adults mind

And ill only keep growing from here

But growth is a weakness

And pride is no option

If its not perfect, its failure.

Hmmm i know it doesnt seem to make all that much sense.

But it makes sense to me.

Mind Over Matter

Im starting to realise im incapable of showing my weaknesses
Im sick and im pretending that im not to try and make myself better
Almost every aspect of my life is complete shit, but if i act happy i believe il feel happy.
Im starting to feel as though showing emotion is showing weakness
and im scared that if i show that i really am sad,
then everything will catch up with me and i just...
i just dont want to turn into my mum

Life

...it seems to just get more retarded every day
Things for me always seem to be fucking shit..where everything that could go wrong does...
Or just awesome and im really really happy.
Why cant everything be normal for a while?

I wish i could just go away for a few weeks..
Leave all these confusing, detrimental things behind.
I just want to have time to think..
Time without school and work and the people i live with..
I just want to be able to be truly happy for a while
Happiness that lasts and doesnt just vanish as soon as something goes slightly wrong
...
Gah im a dreamer...happiness like this doesnt exist.

I wish...

I wish i was a stronger person
I wish i didnt care about people so much
I wish i had the ability to say things and change the way people view the world
I wish i could stop sitting around thinking about all the things i want to be
Instead of focusing on who i am...
But im still discovering myself
I dont even know who i am anymore
and i hate it.

Im starting to realise..

lately i've been thinking about certain things WAY too much
and its just making me puzzled...
i should stop that.

The sky

I could lie and watch the sky for hours.
The way its everchanging, limitless.
The way that if you stare at it for long enough, you seem to feel yourself move with it.
Sometimes the simplest things make me the happiest.

Content with not believing

I don't see why religion is such a big part of our world.
There are wars over it, people dying every day for something so delusive.
I feel as though i don't need a religion,
I have no reason to believe in any apparent being.
Where we go after death and how we got here in the first place doesn't matter to me.
What matters is that we're here now and we should make the most of our time while we have it.

hmmm

Its weird...i have this really bad feeling right now
Like i just feel so shitty
And im not sure what it is
Just really need a big cuddle
I hate being upset!

why do we always seem to think of what we dont have, not what we have?

It's weird, there are parts of my life at the moment that are just so great.
Things just seem to be going well.
But as much as i try to be happy about the good things that are happening,
The two people who are meant to be helping me to make my life good are the two that seem to be stopping me from being really happy.
Why do i have to think about them so much?
grrrrrr

So Monday finally came..

Thankyou :)
I had a really good day
would have liked a few more kisses and cuddles...haha
but all in all i think i like this boy very much
hmm..yess lots and lots
:D

Apple Pie

My apple pie is amazing
I should be a chef....
Shame vegan chefs aren't really in high demand....

I miss you :(

I hate it how when your having heaps of fun and everything is awesome, time goes really really fast and everything finishes so quickly..
But when you really miss someone and just want to see them already..time just seems to drone on and on and it feels like forever!!
It sucks heaps
Hurry up and make it Monday.

"I have a dream"

In English today we were watching great speeches of history from people like Martin Luther King and Malcolm X.
It just amazes me that people like them, could stand up against their whole countries and speak about what they believe in, even when they are so clearly in the minority.
Those people still spoke in fear of death..yet most people these days dont even seem to speak up to their peers in fear of people not accepting their opinion.
Either people have become stupid..or just gutless.

I cant write tonight

everything i write is just sounding stupid. It sucks :(
I tried to write down some lyrics before..just to get something down on paper
and this is what came out:

Fate takes a turn at this perplexing road
For my eyes have now seen more
My mind plays memories like they're movie tapes
Tapes that cant be paused

We sit in silence and watch this world
fall into hunger and despair
If everyone can make a difference,
then why are we so scared?

Fighting for peace,
this worlds greatest contradiction
These problems cant just be solved with war.


hmmm...i actually hate it..but i had nothing else to write.

I dont understand..

There's this absoulutely amazing girl.
She is everything any guy could ever want and more.
Yet he didnt seem to realise that.
He'll never find another girl like her..she's one of a kind.
I dont understand how he could just give up on her so easily.
He doesnt realise how lucky he really is.

Blind to the world

Without eyes there would be no superficiality, no racism, no one would be able to fire a gun or throw a punch.
If we couldn't see people, we wouldn't be able to judge them on how they look, no one could be shallow and we would judge people souly on whats inside.
I believe that's where true beauty is.

ACTUALITY

: something that truly exists, is real


I realise i spend too much time dreaming, too much time thinking about what could've been and what is to come instead of focusing on the things around me. They are what is real, that is all that truly exists.
I'll never be able to change the past, so i should stop worrying about it.
And nothing in the future is guaranteed anyway, so it doesnt make sense to focus on these dreams.
I want to start living for now.